You swore you’d never be the kind of parent who yells.

But there you are — snapping at your kid over something small, then lying awake later, filled with guilt and wondering, Why did I react like that?

You’ve read the parenting books. You’ve followed the Instagram therapists. You know what you want to do — but in the moment, something takes over. You feel hijacked. Then the shame creeps in, and you wonder if you’re just too damaged, too impatient, too much like your own parents.

But here’s the truth: You’re not broken. You’re likely carrying unhealed pain from your own childhood — and it’s showing up, not because you’re a bad parent, but because your nervous system is trying to protect you the only way it knows how.

And no, this isn’t just about obvious or “big” trauma.   Sometimes it’s the smaller, quieter things — not feeling seen, being expected to perform or please, having to keep the peace, or growing up in a home where emotional needs weren’t acknowledged. These experiences may seem insignificant on the surface, but they leave deep imprints on how we relate to ourselves and others — especially our children.

That’s why healing your own trauma is the most powerful parenting tool you have. When you give yourself permission to look inward — with compassion and courage — you create space for a different kind of parenting. One that’s less reactive, more grounded, and more connected.

How Your Past Shows Up in the Present

Most parents I work with aren’t walking around thinking about their childhood every day. They’re thinking about how to stop yelling, how to stay patient, how to help their child with big feelings, how to feel less exhausted and more connected.

But underneath those struggles, there’s often an invisible thread that leads back to their own unmet needs.

Maybe you grew up in a home where love had to be earned through achievement or obedience. Maybe you were the caretaker, the peacekeeper, or the “easy one.” Maybe no one ever helped you feel safe to express anger, sadness, or fear — so now, when your child has a meltdown, your body interprets it as danger.

These early experiences shape how we see ourselves and the world. They form our core beliefs — things like:

• “I’m not good enough.”

• “I have to be perfect to be loved.”

• “My needs don’t matter.”

• “I’m too much.”

• “I’m bad.”

When these beliefs live in the background, they quietly drive how we show up — in our parenting, our partnerships, even in how we treat ourselves.

So when your child ignores you, your nervous system might register it as rejection. When they cry or yell, your body might tighten with panic or shame — because you were never allowed to do those things. When they make a mistake, you might feel a surge of anxiety — because you were taught that mistakes meant failure, or punishment, or loss of love.

These aren’t conscious thoughts. They’re old patterns. And they can be healed.

You’re Not Failing — You’re Carrying What Was Never Healed

If any of this feels familiar, you’re not alone — and you’re not failing. What you’re experiencing isn’t a reflection of your worth as a parent. It’s a reflection of what you’ve carried for too long without support.

It makes sense that you’re triggered. It makes sense that staying calm feels hard. It makes sense that guilt shows up the second you lose your patience.

Because your nervous system — shaped by your past — is still doing its best to keep you safe.

The good news is: this doesn’t have to be your permanent pattern. You can interrupt these cycles. You can rewire those beliefs. You can heal — and not just for your child, but for you.

This isn’t about blaming your parents. It’s about understanding how the environment you grew up in shaped you — and how giving yourself the care you didn’t receive helps you parent from a place of intention instead of reactivity.

Healing Is Possible — And It Changes Everything

Trauma therapy, including EMDR, helps you get to the root of these patterns — not just talk about them, but actually shift them. It allows you to process old pain in a way that’s safe, supported, and effective, so your present no longer has to be ruled by your past.

I work with parents who are ready to do this work — not because they’re failing, but because they want to feel more grounded, more connected, and more aligned with the kind of parent they truly want to be.

Healing your own trauma is not selfish. It’s one of the most loving, powerful things you can do for your child — and for yourself.